Etiquette expert lays out the do's and don'ts of the festive party scene

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You check your mail box and your inbox every day, waiting for a sign the holiday party season has officially arrived.

Then, on the third day of waiting and wishing, invitations begin to trickle in one by one.

(In the spirit of Sally Field you yell out, 'you like me, you really like me.')

But you hold off on RSVPing just in case something better comes along. (It's always good to have options, right?)

Wrong.

You have just broken rule number of proper party pleasantries according to Toronto-based etiquette expert Louise Fox.

"RSVP. Let them know if you're coming. What's with that? I have to wonder. These lazy people can't even be bothered to tell you if they're coming," Fox says in an interview with insidetoronto.com. "RSVP means please respond if you're coming or not. And don't leave it to the last minute like you were waiting around for something better to come along. As soon as you know you should let people know you are planning to be there."

Fox says a late RSVP can throw off a host who is trying plan a menu, drink list and make seating arrangements.

She says hosts put a lot of pressure on themselves to put on the perfect party and their guests of choice should make every effort to alleviate some of the pressure.

But hosts also have a few rules to follow when it comes to holiday party planning.

"When you're inviting people, give them all the information that they need to have. People are really lax about that.... Provide some advance notice, give instructions and directions. (Include the) who, what, why where on the invitation," says Fox, who has been counselling individuals and corporate organizations for more than a decade on how to behave appropriately. "People run into problems with people not wanting to leave on time. So your invitation should include the start time and the finish time."

Fox also says it's important to include on the invitation if it's a dinner party or a cocktail party.

"There is nothing worse than showing up at someone's house - starving - thinking you're going to get dinner and you get an oyster and a cracker."

Fox says planning the perfect party doesn't mean persecuting yourself if a few details go awry.

She says hosts should make simple dishes so to ensure they're socializing with their guests and not slaving over a hot stove.

"The whole focus should be on making your guests feel welcome and making your guests feel comfortable. So, all your focus and details should be geared towards that end. Make sure there are enough places for them to sit. That you have enough food for everyone and a little bit extra because sometimes people bring an uninvited guest. If you're having children make sure there are activities for children to do. If there are going to be more than a few children, hire a babysitter and make it easier on everyone. But have child-friendly food, have an area that they can play in and be comfortable in without you wandering around saying 'don't touch that and don't touch that.'"

Fox says people seem to forget what the holiday season is all about; creating memories with those you love and care about. More often than not she says hosts go overboard trying to impress their guests that they don't even get a chance to enjoy their guests' company.

Guests should always express their gratitude by bringing the host a gift.

But be careful what you select.

"I wouldn't recommend cut flowers because it's one of the things that takes the hostess away from the guests because she's got to find a vase, something to put them in, she has got to trim them up and do all that sort of thing all at the last minute and maybe she doesn't have a vase. It's all that nuisance."

If you have your heart set on bringing your host a blooming bouquet, make sure the flowers are already in a vase or bring a plant. Wine is a great token of appreciation, but Fox says don't expect to be served what you bring. The same goes for food.

A generic gift like note cards, candles or hostess items including holiday napkins are lovely touches, she said.

The most awkward moment at any party is when an uninvited guest arrives.

"Don't bring a guest that's not invited. So, in any kind of an invitation, if they're not specifically mentioned, they're not invited. And that includes, I'm sorry to say, your children."

If you are bringing your children (and they're invited) run down the rules of expected behaviour.

"If there's food involved, go over some of the table manners. Take something that the kids could play with if they don't get along with the other kids so they're not going to whine and be on your nerves all night. And give them rules about behaviour in someone else's home. Don't go into the bedrooms and don't go into the closets and don't go into drawers and don't go to places where you're not supposed to go outside of the party area... just normal stuff. And try to enjoy your time with those cousins you hate."

Fox reminds people to use their "social intelligence" to deem what's appropriate.

When do you know that it's the right time to leave?

You don't want to take off too quickly after dinner (for fear the host thinks you didn't like her food) and hanging out into the wee hours (because you've had a few too many) can be awkward for everyone involved.

The rule is: one hour after dessert.

Of course, it all depends on the relationship you have with the host, but overdoing it, might strain the relationship.

There is one touchy topic Fox says all people want to know about: re-gifting.

Good? Bad? Really bad?

"Re-gifting is acceptable, if number one, it's new. You're not just passing off something that you don't like. It's something the receiver actually wants. So, you're not giving them a horrible thing that they also are going to think is horrible."

Fox says a gift is meant to be something that somebody enjoys and likes. It must be in its original packaging, with the tags off, but all the guarantees and warranties included.

"If it's something that was original. An orange, prickly sweater that Aunt Edith knit you, you know what, you're going to have to keep it."

And, always, always, re-gift outside your circle.

But in the end, there's one rule that should always be followed.

"Remember, the important part is the celebration. It doesn't matter if you cook a turkey or you light a menorah or whatever you do. It's a celebration of our humanity and the progression of life and our diversity. So, enjoy what's really important with your family and friends."